Monday, June 30, 2008

Bipolar And No Meds

When I began college in my 18th year on this earth, I began to have a few problems. I was going to school full time during the day and then working all night to pay for my education. After two semesters of this gruelling torture, I began to have trouble sleeping. After a while I began having trouble controlling my moods. I was especially depressed, irritable and bitter. Soon I was encouraged by my parents to see a doctor. This is where the roller coaster began.

Over the next several years I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, sleep apnea, bipolar disorder, anti-social personalty disorder and a bunch of other things along with that. I've tried basically every anti-depressant and mood stabilizers out there and they did not change a thing. Some of them actually made me worse. But still the doctors persisted I had a severe mood disorder, bi-polar level 2 is what the majority of them said.

After a long battle with doctors, sleep deprivation, different meds and myself ........ I accidentally discovered that alcohol cured it all. I was in a good mood, I didn't worry all the time and most importantly I slept like a baby. So, there it was beer was my salvation.

However, over time this self medicating back fired. I got to the point of drinking a case every day. I was blacking out and not remembering things I had done and it was starting to affect my work too. I realized this was a problem, but addiction is a tough battle to beat. It was not until recently that i have managed to control my alcoholism and get my life back to center.

Now, it's a good thing that I kicked the alcohol problem, but it's not good that my crutch that helped me through the mood problems is gone. I find myself drifting back into the same state of mind I was in before the alcohol induced daze. I am having trouble sleeping again, my mood swings are slowly coming back and my worrying is getting worse by the day. Still, I am hesitant on going back on the meds as they did not have any positive affects before.