Well, it's late on a Sunday night. I can't get to sleep, but I'll have to force myself. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. Business is in the crapper and I just know I'll be let go soon. On one hand it will be nice when I get cut loose because I won't have to deal with the office politics and all the other bullshit. On the other hand the income is really nice. Unemployment benefits will pay the bills, but that's about all they will do. No more extra cash to fund my liesure time ventures.
I'm on my 11th year of my obsessive quest to get down to a normal weight. I have managed to take of 50 pounds over the years. Doctor says that I need to be in the 210 area to be safe for my height and frame. Still have 40 pounds to go. Today I ordered yet another diet supplement to aid me in what I call "operation thin man". I have tried pretty much everything out there from slim fast to hoodia to alli. I have had limited succes with a few, but most were a total waste. The new one is a fatty acid compound called CLA. Apparently it is supposed to help your body stop storing fat and then it cranks up your metabolizm to burn off your stored fat. I did a lot of research on it and apparently there is scientific evidence conducted by real doctors to support claims that it reduces body fat. So, lets hope this one works. I'd like to give myself a nice christmas present this year by being down to my target weight.
My sister and her husband are expecting their first child in mid september. Also, my brother is getting married the first weekend in september. This got me to thinking that I really need to get my life in order. Thinking about it this afternoon, I realized that I feal very much alone. I don't really have anyone or anything to call my own. It makes me feal very empty. I've essentially pissed away 31 years.
Well, I need sleep. Guess I'll end my ant now and crawl into bed, although I'll probably just stare at the cieling for hours.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Krispie & Whorie Ride Again
Work has been a nightmare. One day I will have nothing to do. I'll spend like an hour doing real work, and then 7 hours listening to audio books and playing solitaire. Then the next day I'll be so busy I can't think straight. On top of all of this, we are in the midst of loosing a big dollar account through many little blunders that have combined to make everything a real mess.
With all of the chaos going on I still have to deal with Krispie and Whorie's bullshit. I don't mind so much their gossip or smart assed remarks about me anymore. I've come to learn that they are two of the most disliked people in the office. What does bother me is Krispie's non-stop talking that resonates through the building so loudly that I do believe people clear down on the bottom floor can hear her.
Then there is still Whorie's obnoxious laugh. I thought about that sound. The noise she means to be a laugh. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how disgusting it was. I've never seen one of those perverted porno videos involving chickens, but I bet her laugh is what one sounds like. It's hideous and she blurts it out every few minutes so damn loud that it just disrupts everything.
Maybe I will replace my existing headphones with a pair of those high dollar noise canceling headphones. Or maybe I'll just gouge my eardrums out with an ice-pick.
With all of the chaos going on I still have to deal with Krispie and Whorie's bullshit. I don't mind so much their gossip or smart assed remarks about me anymore. I've come to learn that they are two of the most disliked people in the office. What does bother me is Krispie's non-stop talking that resonates through the building so loudly that I do believe people clear down on the bottom floor can hear her.
Then there is still Whorie's obnoxious laugh. I thought about that sound. The noise she means to be a laugh. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how disgusting it was. I've never seen one of those perverted porno videos involving chickens, but I bet her laugh is what one sounds like. It's hideous and she blurts it out every few minutes so damn loud that it just disrupts everything.
Maybe I will replace my existing headphones with a pair of those high dollar noise canceling headphones. Or maybe I'll just gouge my eardrums out with an ice-pick.
Monday, August 4, 2008
More Crap At Work
Last Thursday morning I come back into the office from my usual smoke break. My supervisor tells me he would like to chat in private. I figure it's going to be the "sorry, we have to let you go now" speech. Boy was I wrong.
We have an engineer working in our department who has many years of experience in the engineering field, just not in our particular industry. He is also very egocentric and will not listen to anyone. Other co-workers have tried helping him along, however he will not take their advice. Over the past several months he has managed to piss off damn near everyone he has worked with either with his shitty attitude or his incompetence. It had finally gotten to a point where our boss was getting yelled at by other department managers.
Anyway, we sit down in this little conference room and he asks me to tell him the truth on what this engineer is doing and how he has been acting. I give him the straight up truth and tell him how he is screwing up jobs and angering pretty much everyone he comes in contact with. My boss thanks me for the information and then over the next couple of hours proceeds to have similar conversation with the other five members of the engineering group. He comes to find out from the others that my story is 100% accurate.
After lunch he calls this engineer, we will call him Pooper for the sake of this discussion, into the conference room and gives him a real ass ripping. Pooper comes back to his desk looking like he just got drug behind a truck for several miles across rough terrain. He doesn't speak to anyone the rest of the day.
Friday rolls around. Pooper still has an attitude. He will talk to everyone in the group except me. The only time he speaks with me is if it concerns work and it is absolutely necessary. After he leaves for the day, I come to find out that he seems to think that I went to the boss complaining about him in order to get him fired so I can be brought on full time. This of course is total bullshit. The boss came to me in the first place, and I didn't tell him anything he either didn't already know or at least suspect.
So, I come in today and not only does Pooper start talking to me again, he is really nice. So nice it's almost sickening. At one point in time he pulls his wallet out of his pocket and offers to give me lunch money if I'm short on cash.
I'm not really sure how to take this. I'm a bit apprehensive to trust him. I think maybe he has something up his sleeve.
We have an engineer working in our department who has many years of experience in the engineering field, just not in our particular industry. He is also very egocentric and will not listen to anyone. Other co-workers have tried helping him along, however he will not take their advice. Over the past several months he has managed to piss off damn near everyone he has worked with either with his shitty attitude or his incompetence. It had finally gotten to a point where our boss was getting yelled at by other department managers.
Anyway, we sit down in this little conference room and he asks me to tell him the truth on what this engineer is doing and how he has been acting. I give him the straight up truth and tell him how he is screwing up jobs and angering pretty much everyone he comes in contact with. My boss thanks me for the information and then over the next couple of hours proceeds to have similar conversation with the other five members of the engineering group. He comes to find out from the others that my story is 100% accurate.
After lunch he calls this engineer, we will call him Pooper for the sake of this discussion, into the conference room and gives him a real ass ripping. Pooper comes back to his desk looking like he just got drug behind a truck for several miles across rough terrain. He doesn't speak to anyone the rest of the day.
Friday rolls around. Pooper still has an attitude. He will talk to everyone in the group except me. The only time he speaks with me is if it concerns work and it is absolutely necessary. After he leaves for the day, I come to find out that he seems to think that I went to the boss complaining about him in order to get him fired so I can be brought on full time. This of course is total bullshit. The boss came to me in the first place, and I didn't tell him anything he either didn't already know or at least suspect.
So, I come in today and not only does Pooper start talking to me again, he is really nice. So nice it's almost sickening. At one point in time he pulls his wallet out of his pocket and offers to give me lunch money if I'm short on cash.
I'm not really sure how to take this. I'm a bit apprehensive to trust him. I think maybe he has something up his sleeve.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Bad Mood
You know what really pisses me off?
When someone gives you a big blast of shit about something, you know, one of those 30 minute long sermons about how you did something that may end civilization as we know. Then you feel bad and try to apologize. Then the wang giving you greif says somethiong like....
"Oh, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal."
IF IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVER MENTION IT? Let alone the long winded pissing and moaning session. What are you just not happy unless you are bitching about something? Did you not get that red wagon you wanted for your 8th birthday and now you've decided to take revenge on everyone around you for the rest of your useless life?
When someone gives you a big blast of shit about something, you know, one of those 30 minute long sermons about how you did something that may end civilization as we know. Then you feel bad and try to apologize. Then the wang giving you greif says somethiong like....
"Oh, don't worry about it. It's not that big of a deal."
IF IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVER MENTION IT? Let alone the long winded pissing and moaning session. What are you just not happy unless you are bitching about something? Did you not get that red wagon you wanted for your 8th birthday and now you've decided to take revenge on everyone around you for the rest of your useless life?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Krispie & Whorie
As if work were not stressful enough with the prospects of being layed off soon and the fact that I need to stay focused and prove myself even more, I have a couple of co-workers who don't seem to like me much. They set around all day gossiping about me along with whispering to each other every time I walk by. They think I can't hear them, but the cubical walls are pretty thin. I hear every nasty thing they say about me.
Let me give you some back story so you can get the full picture.
If you have read my previous posts, you will know I have been combating several personal problems since my late teen years. Well, one of my problems is being nervous. Especially around people I don't know. This little problem comes from a hot June evening when I was 19 years old. I was working the late shift at a pizza shop as a delivery guy. I took a delivery to a not so nice part of town. When I arrived in the parking lot at this apartment building, I turned towards my passenger seat and tilted up the pizza box to double check the address. I then put the pizza back in the warming pouch and turned around to my left to the driver's door. As I did I felt the barrel of a gun push up against my temple. Then a not so friendly voice tells me in not so friendly words to hand over the money or I was going to die. Now, when you see something like this on television it doesn't really seem like much to you, but when some puts a 44 magnum close enough to your head that you can glance over and see the ends of the bullets in the cylinder and then they inform you that you are going to have your brains blown out for $27.39, it gives you a whole new perspective on people and trust.
This has relevance to the story in that at work all of us set in cubicles with low walls on them. Out of nervous habit, every time someone passes by my cube and I catch them in my peripheral vision, I have to look directly at them and see who it is. It's just an involuntary reaction that I don't realize I'm doing sometimes. This situation coupled with the fact that I am a quiet person at work I guess makes me out to be some sort of weirdo to some people.
Well, two of my co-workers, who we will call Krispie and Whorie for the sake of this conversation, some how think that since I look up to see who is passing by me that that makes me a pedophile or some twisted serial killing stalker or something to that effect.
So now these two women, and I use that term loosely, have made me the object of their childish gossip; making nasty comments about me on a regular basis. Some of which are very nasty and completely outlandish. The kind of things that could start rumors and get some one's otherwise good reputation tarnished severely.
Krispie is a late 20's or early 30's person who runs her mouth constantly. You cannot get her to shut up. The vast majority of what she says has nothing at all to do with work. She is extremely opinionated and very self absorbed. She acts like she is cranked up on cocaine most of the time. And of course, she is a gossip hound and a drama queen. This woman is so obnoxious that pretty much everyone in the work areas surrounding the administration area listen to headphones most of the day in a vain attempt in drowning her out.
Whorie is mid 40's to early 50's as an educated guess. She is the type that cannot seem to accept the fact that she is aging. She tries very hard to dress like a teenager, she wears here hair cut very short and died in very loud colors. And like Krispie, she is loud, opinionated, self absorbed and very rude. Also, she has the most annoying laugh. Try to imagine, if you can, what a barn owl would sound like if it were having a seizure in the midst of a full blown meth bender. That's what she sounds like. And she makes this disgusting sound loud enough to do structural damage to the building.
So, these two are the best of buddies. Whorie admiring Krispie for reminding her of what a bitch she was at her age and Krispie admiring Whorie for what a worthless cunt she could be in the future.
Now that I seem to be their favorite target, I get to put up with their snide comments, snickers as I pass by and get to be the spotlight of the office rumor mill.
You know what? I need this job but I'm about ready to have words with them whether I loose my job or not.
Let me give you some back story so you can get the full picture.
If you have read my previous posts, you will know I have been combating several personal problems since my late teen years. Well, one of my problems is being nervous. Especially around people I don't know. This little problem comes from a hot June evening when I was 19 years old. I was working the late shift at a pizza shop as a delivery guy. I took a delivery to a not so nice part of town. When I arrived in the parking lot at this apartment building, I turned towards my passenger seat and tilted up the pizza box to double check the address. I then put the pizza back in the warming pouch and turned around to my left to the driver's door. As I did I felt the barrel of a gun push up against my temple. Then a not so friendly voice tells me in not so friendly words to hand over the money or I was going to die. Now, when you see something like this on television it doesn't really seem like much to you, but when some puts a 44 magnum close enough to your head that you can glance over and see the ends of the bullets in the cylinder and then they inform you that you are going to have your brains blown out for $27.39, it gives you a whole new perspective on people and trust.
This has relevance to the story in that at work all of us set in cubicles with low walls on them. Out of nervous habit, every time someone passes by my cube and I catch them in my peripheral vision, I have to look directly at them and see who it is. It's just an involuntary reaction that I don't realize I'm doing sometimes. This situation coupled with the fact that I am a quiet person at work I guess makes me out to be some sort of weirdo to some people.
Well, two of my co-workers, who we will call Krispie and Whorie for the sake of this conversation, some how think that since I look up to see who is passing by me that that makes me a pedophile or some twisted serial killing stalker or something to that effect.
So now these two women, and I use that term loosely, have made me the object of their childish gossip; making nasty comments about me on a regular basis. Some of which are very nasty and completely outlandish. The kind of things that could start rumors and get some one's otherwise good reputation tarnished severely.
Krispie is a late 20's or early 30's person who runs her mouth constantly. You cannot get her to shut up. The vast majority of what she says has nothing at all to do with work. She is extremely opinionated and very self absorbed. She acts like she is cranked up on cocaine most of the time. And of course, she is a gossip hound and a drama queen. This woman is so obnoxious that pretty much everyone in the work areas surrounding the administration area listen to headphones most of the day in a vain attempt in drowning her out.
Whorie is mid 40's to early 50's as an educated guess. She is the type that cannot seem to accept the fact that she is aging. She tries very hard to dress like a teenager, she wears here hair cut very short and died in very loud colors. And like Krispie, she is loud, opinionated, self absorbed and very rude. Also, she has the most annoying laugh. Try to imagine, if you can, what a barn owl would sound like if it were having a seizure in the midst of a full blown meth bender. That's what she sounds like. And she makes this disgusting sound loud enough to do structural damage to the building.
So, these two are the best of buddies. Whorie admiring Krispie for reminding her of what a bitch she was at her age and Krispie admiring Whorie for what a worthless cunt she could be in the future.
Now that I seem to be their favorite target, I get to put up with their snide comments, snickers as I pass by and get to be the spotlight of the office rumor mill.
You know what? I need this job but I'm about ready to have words with them whether I loose my job or not.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Work ....... Sort Of
I have been working for a Fortune 100 company in the Cleveland, Ohio area for the past six months through a temporary agency. I have worked hard to prove myself and finally was acknowledged by my supervisor as an outstanding employee. He kept promising me that I would be a permanent employee soon with a nice raise in pay and all the fringe benefits.
Well, today he informs me that the company has lost money the last two quarters and future business forecast isn't looking good. I may have a job until August or September at the latest.
This sucks more than a warehouse full of industrial strength vacuum cleaners. Just when I was finally on my own two feet again with things looking up, the rug is getting pulled out from under me. I can see it now, by fall I will be living off of unemployment benefits, renting a room off of my parents again, feeling like a maggot, and if I don't keep strong .......... back in the bottle.
Well, today he informs me that the company has lost money the last two quarters and future business forecast isn't looking good. I may have a job until August or September at the latest.
This sucks more than a warehouse full of industrial strength vacuum cleaners. Just when I was finally on my own two feet again with things looking up, the rug is getting pulled out from under me. I can see it now, by fall I will be living off of unemployment benefits, renting a room off of my parents again, feeling like a maggot, and if I don't keep strong .......... back in the bottle.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Bipolar And No Meds
When I began college in my 18th year on this earth, I began to have a few problems. I was going to school full time during the day and then working all night to pay for my education. After two semesters of this gruelling torture, I began to have trouble sleeping. After a while I began having trouble controlling my moods. I was especially depressed, irritable and bitter. Soon I was encouraged by my parents to see a doctor. This is where the roller coaster began.
Over the next several years I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, sleep apnea, bipolar disorder, anti-social personalty disorder and a bunch of other things along with that. I've tried basically every anti-depressant and mood stabilizers out there and they did not change a thing. Some of them actually made me worse. But still the doctors persisted I had a severe mood disorder, bi-polar level 2 is what the majority of them said.
After a long battle with doctors, sleep deprivation, different meds and myself ........ I accidentally discovered that alcohol cured it all. I was in a good mood, I didn't worry all the time and most importantly I slept like a baby. So, there it was beer was my salvation.
However, over time this self medicating back fired. I got to the point of drinking a case every day. I was blacking out and not remembering things I had done and it was starting to affect my work too. I realized this was a problem, but addiction is a tough battle to beat. It was not until recently that i have managed to control my alcoholism and get my life back to center.
Now, it's a good thing that I kicked the alcohol problem, but it's not good that my crutch that helped me through the mood problems is gone. I find myself drifting back into the same state of mind I was in before the alcohol induced daze. I am having trouble sleeping again, my mood swings are slowly coming back and my worrying is getting worse by the day. Still, I am hesitant on going back on the meds as they did not have any positive affects before.
Over the next several years I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, sleep apnea, bipolar disorder, anti-social personalty disorder and a bunch of other things along with that. I've tried basically every anti-depressant and mood stabilizers out there and they did not change a thing. Some of them actually made me worse. But still the doctors persisted I had a severe mood disorder, bi-polar level 2 is what the majority of them said.
After a long battle with doctors, sleep deprivation, different meds and myself ........ I accidentally discovered that alcohol cured it all. I was in a good mood, I didn't worry all the time and most importantly I slept like a baby. So, there it was beer was my salvation.
However, over time this self medicating back fired. I got to the point of drinking a case every day. I was blacking out and not remembering things I had done and it was starting to affect my work too. I realized this was a problem, but addiction is a tough battle to beat. It was not until recently that i have managed to control my alcoholism and get my life back to center.
Now, it's a good thing that I kicked the alcohol problem, but it's not good that my crutch that helped me through the mood problems is gone. I find myself drifting back into the same state of mind I was in before the alcohol induced daze. I am having trouble sleeping again, my mood swings are slowly coming back and my worrying is getting worse by the day. Still, I am hesitant on going back on the meds as they did not have any positive affects before.
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