Stories From The Pizza Man

I've worked off and on for a total of about 6 years as a pizza delivery guy. In that time I have seen some very strange things and interacted with some even stranger people, mostly in the late ours of the night. Here are a few of those encounters .....

One evening in early October of 2006 our area got slammed with a nasty wave of thunder storms. The power had been knocked out to most of the city. Unfortunately, our store happened to be situated in a neighborhood that still had power, so we were still open for business. I get dispatched to take a delivery up on Eastman street. I get there and it's raining like hell and pitch black. I get out of my car roughly were I think the house I'm looking for is, get my flashlight out and start to walk across the street. I hear "Hey buddy". I look around a bit and don't see anyone. So I walk further out into the street and hear "Over here dude." I turn to my right and shine my flashlight over that direction to see a guy in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and he has some how been plastic wrapped to a telephone pole. I had no fricken clue what had happened to this guy, but I couldn't just leave him there. I got on my cell phone and called the city police. They got a nice chuckle out of it when they arrived and saw this guy.

Just three blocks up the road from our store is a run of shitty bars and tattoo shops. I was driving in this direction on a delivery one night around 11:30 when two kids come running out into the road and I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting them. One of them was carrying what looked like a VCR or a DVD player, the other was carrying a car stereo speaker box. They no more than made it across to the other side of the street when this very obese man came running out of the shadows dressed in what looked like a Halloween costume made to appear as a giant bird of some sort. He had leggings and arm covers on that had feathers and a fake beak pulled over his nose. He was also carrying an aluminum baseball bat which he had raised up in the air as he charged after the kids. If this were not strange enough already, this freak was also wearing about a 10 inch rubber dildo strapped onto his head like an antenna.

We get orders from a nursing home out on the edge of town very frequently. The night shift workers order from us two or three times a week and its usually close to closing time when they call in. One of their employees is this little oriental dude that doesn't speak English very well. The first time he called in to order and I answered the phone, he came off as a real sicko. What he wanted was a foot long grilled chicken sub with extra mayo. what he said when I asked him for his orders was to give him 12 inches of chicken and make sure it had plenty of mayonnaise. I was like "Look you sick bastard, this is a pizza and deli shop, if you want that kind of action then take out a personal add."

One afternoon on an extremely busy Friday a drunk guy comes pulling into our parking lot barely missing a parked car and almost running up onto our patio and taking out a picnic table. He enters the store and orders a small pizza which he pays for with a $100 bill. I start making his food when he leans over the counter and says "Hey buddy, my wife sucks a lot of dicks, but I don't mind I like her anyway." Then he walks over to the picture window in the front of the store and talks to himself for like 15 minutes.